it's all about me, me and me!

Like it should be some kind of epiphany.

I've always had a sneaking suspicion that I'm the sort of self-centered person whom I like to publicly despise.
Although self-centered, I'm not delusional.
Delusional is someone like steven lim who is so outrageously ridiculous. Not even in a funny way.

I guess it's not a joke then that I like to tell people my life story.
Because, well I REALLY DO like to do that! If I feel a connection with you, I think I can't stop talking. I think I probably talked the most to my buddy at the AGM when I don't even know her name.
Not connection in that kind of lesbianish way. Just, you know how some people make you feel at ease?

On a sidenote, being self-centered is really another word for being selfish, isn't it?
I'm just concerned with my happiness. I don't actually care very much that those around me are happy? I don't ask? When people do well, I feel more jealousy than happy for them?
I'm always caught up with my own problems. I don't stop to think that maybe there are others worse off and I should help them first?

Honestly, I don't know. I tried reassuring myself that I'm not all that horrible. I do care about people but at the same time, I feel like I'm not trying hard enough.
I'm like not the nicest person to be around. I'm not warm, I tend to judge and I'm nasty if I can.
But on other days, I'm alright. Maybe that's not normal of me? Since I actually feel like I've accomplished something when I'm exceptionally nice.

Well, the real epiphany is not that I'm self-centered or a mean bitch.
It's the knowledge that before I can say I love someone, someone's who's not related to me, I should first be able to love myself and those related to me.
If not, I think I'll just be delusional too. Like, I don't even know what love I'm talking about.
The other day I was just telling Victor that enjoying spending time with someone doesn't necessarily mean I like them or that I would grow to love them (even though he claims that is like step 1) ...
With that train of thought, I guess I'm more of obsessed/fascinated. Which is definitely not love. And which, would fade with time...
For me, the best cure to wanting something is to have it. I can safely say that 99.9% of my interest in something stems from the fact that I don't have it.