happiness, an uphill task.

1. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

- This woman's attitude is damn bad. Everything she says is so 刺耳. I'm not sure if my medicine is making me more bad tempered than usual but even the one who is afh is irate. It can't just be me. She's always blaming others and doesn't seem to have a sympathy bone in her. Make that, empathy. Yes, I'm sick. No, I'm not asking you for help. If you had your way, I'd still be eating kfc. Selfish, much? (P.S Can even make a grown man cry. YOU. Horrible.)

- I thought I wouldn't dislike him so much but once again, nope. There's no rule against people being right. You are definitely entitled to your opinions and free to express them. Discussion is allowed. However, adopting that kind of irritating voice and indirectly saying "I'm right. I'm right. I'm right!" is the most fucking annoying thing ever. Once again, perhaps it is my medicine that is making me very impatient but I know I don't need to take medicine to dislike your voice and attitude. Please let him be wrong. That is the only way for such people to temper their behavior.

2. Thoughts on inappropriate boyfriend behavior.

- Instagram activity can't be tracked i.e. commenting and liking photos. (Right?) Saw my senior's bf commenting and liking slut's photos. No, seriously. This one is a verified slut who sleeps around for fast cars and expensive bags. Feel very indignant for her as she doesn't know he does such things! She is a very nice person/auditee. Guys, when you have a gf, stop leaving inappropriate comments on other girls' photos especially if you are not even personal friends. It is worse if you already have a family!

- Guys who like other girls' profile picture changes/selfies but not their own gf's. It's only because you think your gf doesn't know right? I'm not sure what that behavior means. You think your gf is damn unchio?

3. General grouses.

- If you treat your friends' opinions as the holy gospel, date them instead. Since you guys share the same opinion, well now, aren't you a lovely pair made in heaven? Don't look for other girls and expect them to conform to your fixed mentality. You know what is compromise? Both parties acknowledge each other's view and adjust their expectations. Both parties give in. Compromise is not expecting an apology and the other party to give in. That is a dictatorship/bullying.

- I laugh inwardly when guys take my money. I split the bill with my friends. By accepting my money, that makes you my friend then. Don't expect anything more from me. It's not a test. "The girl offering to pay her share on a first date" is as universally understood as a thumbs up or "can I get the bill" gesture. If you take her share, you have been demoted to friendzone or in a worse case, no second date. If you don't, you have just won yourself points among her and her friends (who will definitely hear about the date). Unless she is someone who doesn't believe in the guy paying in any way. In that case, good for you. You have found yourself a keeper. However, in some cases, girls refusing to allow a guy to pay = not owing the guy anything as she doesn't want to see him ever again.

- *facepalm* Ask me out but end up I pay for myself and for you. I am most speechless that someone so calculative can owe me money and forget to pay!!!

- Questions that don't require an answer - why haven't you kept in contact?
"I don't want to see your face."

Luxola mini haul: 3CE Ice Vanilla primer, Korres shower gels, Duwop Lip Venom

Luxola mini haul

Recent Luxola haul! Luxola has discounts pretty regularly and is a good place to pick up interesting finds.
I'm not really adventurous when it comes to makeup/skincare products. Tried and tested, is the way to go. Or at least, the brands should sound familiar to me.

Luxola is good for Mario Badescu. Crazily overpriced at Sephora but good price on Luxola. MB's Drying Lotion is effective. It dries up zits overnight. Take advantage of the discounts for premium brands like SKII and Skin Inc.

Picked up the 3CE primer in Ice Vanilla, Korres shower gels and the Duwop Lip Venom.
The primer was supposed to counteract redness but unfortunately, it did not do that well. I am pretty prone to redness therefore, I picked this shade instead of Lavender (which brightens up complexion).
Some reviews said that it controlled oil and was drying. I guess my skin is SUPER oily. It hardly controlled oil :D Neither was it drying. Every one's skin reacts differently. It doesn't break me out hence I would still use it. Just that, still on the search for an affordable green primer.

The shower gels are supposed to be free from chemicals etc. I have sensitive skin. I constantly get rashes after showers to the point that I thought I'm allergic to water. However, after using Korres, I don't find my skin itchy. Less redness as well. Take advantage of the discounts for good savings on this! Bought them in Jasmine and Japanese Rose. They smell really good without being cloying. I'm not sure if they're suitable for people with eczema though.

I really like the lip venom :)
It doesn't give you Angelina Jolie lips obviously but it does make lips look fuller. It stings slightly and the minty feeling is pretty enjoyable. I picked this up on a whim. I already have pretty full lips but wanted to see what this could do.

say something, i'm giving up on you.

I can't say I'm not disappointed with so many little things.
Each time I feel a little closer, I end up back at the start.
Is there anywhere to go from here?
But isn't it the small things that count and are the surest signs? I've always thought if I'm nice to people, they would reciprocate and be nice to me too. Give without thinking of receiving. If only I am as nice as R, whom I still owe a treat. (Most ashamed).

Confession. I was so disappointed. I really felt that I went out of my way too soon. I wanted you to be happy. Doing something special because I thought you were important to me. Instead of just saying it, actions speak louder. Guess that gesture wasn't felt. Should I have expected something in return? I should just give because I wanted to make someone I care about, happy...

Actions require effort. Words don't. If words don't translate into action, you know it's too good to be true. While you are important to me, I am obviously not important to you. It's hard not to feel invested. I really want to give my all but haven't you already told me not to? What a slap in the face.

blowing out the candles

26!
I have officially passed a quarter of a century in age. Although age is simply a number, I now have one less year to get married before I hit 30. Boohoo :(

Each year, I receive well wishes from people who are close to me, family and then, the surprise folks.
Surprise folks - the ones whom I don't know really well, the ones I had overlooked as the years passed, the ones I thought had exited my life.
At the same time, I'm reminded of how shallow, forgetful and bo xim I am. All it takes is a quick message to show someone I remembered. Each year, I tell myself such things are reciprocal. Give, and you shall receive. Received, remember to give. Yet, I can still forget. This year, I resolve to reciprocate. Olive branches accepted. Bridges mended. Dislikes dissolved.

Time passes but some things never change. Some people stay and remain constant. You don't remember when it is you felt such a connection but they are just there for you. Never mind that we've not met up in years. Never mind that we do not even message. Never mind that you make my heart swell a little each time (with false hope).
A constant who has remained with me for the past 4-5 years. We were never truly friends, sad to say. We drift apart and then reconnect through pure randomness (or, is it?).

Disappointment drives one to seek refuge in the arms of familiarity.
While new variables make life interesting, they are pretty hard to read. They have their own thoughts which aren't in line with mine. Compromise - both parties take a step back and adjust their expectations to reach a middle ground. Making someone give up their viewpoint and agree with you, is not compromise. How much is too much? How much can you give up for "compromise"?
Thus, seeking out the constant. Constant is good. Constant gives when you least expect it.

On a side note, I will never look at a sugarcane the same way again. It would just remind me of spineless men who allow themselves to be milked dry.

Musing

Finding a partner is like shopping.
We start out with a few basic conditions: 

• It fits;
• It looks good;
• It's within our budget.

When we finally find something that meets all our criteria,  do we buy it ? 

Some might. 

They walk away happy.
Some don't.  

They think, "What if, there's something better for me ahead? Fits better,  looks better, more vfm? I can always come back later for this if it doesn't work out. It would still be here."
They walk away. 

They search, but end up not finding something better. What looks better might not fit.  What fits might not be within our budget. 
Let's go back to the first shop, they say.
Alas when you head back, it's no longer there.

Hopefully, you don't lose second best to indecision and greed too. 

because I miss you more today.

One of my favorite songs. I can be perfectly happy but yet when I listen to it/watch the mv, I just feel those old feelings surfacing yet again. Is it silly to make myself sad on purpose? It just proves that I'm not as over it as I thought.
I did hate you. I hated you so much. I hated that you didn't want to hurt me so you stayed far far away. Would it have worked out? People talk about meeting the right person but meeting the right person at the wrong time, does it make them the wrong person?
What if you only get one chance and you let that opportunity slip by?

I was secretly happy when you told me you broke up. But ...

reflections

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in..."

Has it never been the case? Too many times when trouble found me when I'm just casually minding my own business. 

Journey to happiness fraught with perils. Advanced mode. 

In Breakaway, Kelly C sang "My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with."

You know what? It can. Again and again, when you didn't even know you would still feel the heart-wrenching hurt. 

Looking in all the wrong places. Not looking but still finding myself in the same situation. I'm not sure which is worse. Falling too easily, falling too hard. Right now, I constantly remind myself to take a step back. Everything's rosy at the start. Every one is nice, sweet and kind. Over time, their true colors show. I can't tell who's sincere and who's not so every one shall be, by default, insincere. Sure, you make me so happy but that happiness would only be replaced by a sharper pain when it's gone. I don't want that. Not again. A fortress wasn't built overnight and neither would it fall in a day. 

"putting my defences up cos' I don't wanna fall in love. If I did that, I think I'd have a heart attack."

Kinda exaggerating it but something to that effect.